Are you looking for effective parenting skills and tips that really work? Today, so much literature is devoted to this topic that, as parents, we are often so overwhelmed with all the different ideas and theories that it begs the question, “Does it really have to be this complicated?” Yes, parenting is complex, but do we really need a degree in child psychology to raise happy, secure children? Well, the good news is that, although being a parent requires commitment and determination, the best parenting skills are really quite simple, and when we understand what a child really needs, we discover that we are all equipped to be great parents, we just have to learn how.
Most of us are aware that yelling and screaming at a child to stop a tantrum is counter-productive. We realize that dealing with frustration by becoming frustrated puts us in a battle against our child rather than allowing us to work with them to deal with the real ‘reason’ for the behavior. Threats, bribes, punishing, and anger come from desperation and a feeling of helplessness, but when we recognize that the behavior is only a result or a symptom of an underlying cause, then we can gain a new perspective and find more effective techniques that will benefit both ourselves and our children.
Every child has basic needs that must be met, and good parenting is discovering what those needs are as well as recognizing that bad behavior is usually a result of an unmet need. The focus should not be on the behavior, because in reacting to actions alone, we neglect to acknowledge what our children are really trying to tell us.
1. Rely on your intuition. Remember, there is always a hidden or unmet need behind every misbehavior. Do our children need attention or physical contact such as a hug? Are they tired, hungry, or frustrated? Engaging our intuition is like “pulling the emotional plug”. It allows us to take a step back, remove ourselves from the stress of the moment and take a look at the bigger picture. Rather than focusing on the behavior we desire and trying to force compliance, we need to take the time to determine what need is precipitating the misbehavior and find a way to fulfill it. By meeting the need, we encourage better behavior. It is important to realize that it is not about giving in to whatever our children want, but about giving them what they need or what we know is best for them.
2. Give unconditional love. This is the most effective parenting skill because it shows our children that we love them no matter how they act or behave. Unconditional love and acceptance regardless of behavior shows our children that they are valued for who they are, not for their actions or achievements. Misbehavior is often a cry for attention, and giving them what they need most will extinguish undesirable behavior and quiet any tantrum. If we only show our children that we love them when they behave then we are sending the message that they need to earn our acceptance and that our love is based on what they do rather than who they are. If we want to be effective parents, we must give unconditional love and acceptance.
3. Give respect and understanding. While children cannot be given unlimited responsibility and decision making rights, it is still important that they be treated like real people. They may not always get what they want, but we need to take the time to explain to them why they cannot have their own way so that they understand our position and do not feel rejected or disrespected. Even as adults, we know that we cannot always have everything we desire, but when we understand the reasoning, or the ‘why’, then we are more likely to accept the situation. When we listen to our children, not only will they feel more valued, but we will also learn what they need to feel respected and accepted.
4. Give autonomy and responsibility while remaining calm and patient. Our children want to feel independent, complete tasks themselves, and decide on their own when they need the help of others. Asking, “Would you like some help?”, instead of, “Let me help you,” allows our children to make the choice rather than having the decision forced on them. As parents, we determine most of what happens in our homes, but our children also have a need to feel like they can make a contribution or that they are an involved member of the family. Yes, it is important that we have rules, but they should be flexible enough that our children can make decisions or be presented with choices within a given framework so they not only learn how to make decisions but also how to live with the resulting consequences. In the struggle to gain independence, our children may become frustrated or irritated, which may cause us to become equally frustrated and irritated. However, it is important that we remain calm and patient, allowing them to work through these issues and develop the ability to persevere, work for a goal, and think creatively.
5. Give undivided presence and attention. This is also referred to as ‘attachment parenting’ and really involves tuning into our children or connecting with them so that we can identify their needs and desires and understand the best way to meet them. Taking the time to sit and talk with our children, looking them in the eye and giving them our focused attention, is one of the best ways we can use to get to know our children, recognize their strengths and abilities, and learn their dreams and goals. This is not about following a book or parenting theory. It is about finding out what is best for our children and incorporating those techniques that bring positive results. It involves constant re-evaluating, maybe some experimenting, and definitely a lot of love, patience, and time.
6. Celebrate each child’s uniqueness. One of the best parenting skills we can learn is to realize that each child is a unique individual and should not be compared to others. If we can learn to work with our children’s personalities, rather than against them, then we will have found an important key to raising happy and secure children. When we can embrace their strengths, encourage their interests, and accept them for who they are, then we will realize the true joy of being a parent.
Effective parenting skills do not have to be complicated. When we learn to meet our children’s needs on an overall level we set the stage for an amazing journey of parenthood that will make raising children both a blessing and a privilege.
Tags: bad behavior, dealing with frustration, degree in child psychology, effective parenting, good parenting, helplessness, misbehavior, new perspective, parenting skills, unmet need